What’s A Mother To Do?

What’s A Mother To Do?
Primary Responsibilities for
The Mother of The Groom
The Mother of the Bride

by Judith Rivers-Moore
author of Beautiful Weddings & Events
www.WeddingLinks.com

When given the opportunity, most mothers want to assist in the wedding. The primary role for the mothers is to make certain the “Brides Wishes” are carried out -- unless it is the bride’s true wish to have the mom(s) do it for her. With my two daughters, it was feast and famine for my input.

One daughter wanted me on overload, and the other wished me away from decisions and do. Both weddings were equally wonderful and I learned a valuable lesson on letting go.

The following etiquette outlines for the mothers may be of some assistance to the bride who is afraid to put a hole in the dam for fear the flood will come and be uncontrollable. Just print this out and adhere to the possibilities -- or forget going there. After all, you are the Bride and you know what you want.

Advice for Moms -- Even if you are an expert at planning, it pays to bow out unless asked and even then, only what is asked for. Tough one, huh? I’ve heard it all. Many of us moms deal with children who have a history of procrastination, don’t know what a budget is? Can’t make decisions and there are thousands of decisions in this!! Have been dreaming about her/his wedding day all your life. Remember it is THEIR wedding not Yours -- even if you are paying the bills. Many people hire an event coordinator for this very reason -- to be the buffer zone.

THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

With the exception of 2nd marriages or couples paying for their own wedding/reception, the Mother is considered the HOSTESS and the Father the HOST throughout the wedding day’s events.

Help the bride select her wedding attire: This require looking at, discussing fabrics versus time of year, necklines, magazines, on-line views and seeing her in various gowns she has pre-selected. It does not mean endless shopping, arguments, or you sewing her dress over the next six months.

Assist in Understanding and Completion of the Wedding Budget ~ The Ingredients

Brainstorm who can pay for what, what funds will be needed, the number of guests. A good clear budget will help everyone achieve a more relaxed situation. This may require agreements from fathers, stepfathers, future in-laws, relatives and providing relatives and friends.

Reservations at hotels for the out of town guests invited by the brides family - not the grooms family.

In today’s world we see this being handled in the pre-announcements of “save the date” with hotels to contact as part of the text.

Choosing your own gown. Discuss with the bride what colors she is planning for the wedding, after this ask if she has a preference on the colors the mothers will wear. Most brides defer this choice to their mom to discuss and advise the mother-in-law. Most mothers do not wear the same colors, but try to compliment the family photographs. Attend one or more showers for the bride, but do not feel you have to have a gift for each one. A card will suffice. Do not be offended if not asked to all showers.

Review the ceremony concerns with the bride and minister, coordinator or church hostess. This includes the seating, outline of the ceremony. If there is a reception line (brides choice) where and when this will be placed in the day’s routine. The seating schedule for the wedding and reception will offer suggestions and guidance. The bride may request ahead that the mother make certain of her specific needs.

The escort and seating of the bride’s mother. She may be taken down the aisle by a son, friend or usher, preferable dressed accordingly -- with husband walking behind. She may be seated in the first or second aisle - depending on visibility. If divorced the bride’s father and guests are seated two or three rows behind. The bride’s father can also be taking the bride down the aisle and sit either beside the bride’s mother or back with his guest. [ this depends on their decision] this is not the bride’s decision.

The mother prior to the ceremony may request a private time with her daughter and specific photos. The mother should expect that any car she is delivered to the church or ceremony in - is clean and not have to deliver herself - unless her choice.

The mothers during the ceremony - may light candles.

THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM

In the absence of a mother of the bride, the mother of the groom may take on some of the responsibilities and assist the bride in any manner she welcomes.

While considered a secondary position, this really is not, because it can set the tone between the groom’s mother and the bride for years to come. Your first commitment is to get hold of the brides family and introduce yourself and spouse to the bride’s parents. You can achieve a time together over dinner or at a restaurant to meet with or without the children.

If it is impossible to visit with one another then write a nice letter, send some family photos and welcome them to your family along with their daughter.
If you can call at a later date to stay abreast of what is going on and give everyone your e-mail to stay in the loop. Couples are now posting web pages for family members to check in to. This brings people closer.

Your next important task is to ready your guest list with proper, addresses, zips, phone numbers, e-mails so the couple can work on their budget and invitations. It is always important to ask the number of guests you may include. Clairify if the number is in couples or individual numbers.

If there is something you specifically want to pay for in the wedding that is not being done by the bride or her family, then offer this. Sometimes the honeymoon is offered by the parents of the groom or to begin a travel gift registry with some funds.

Some things you should not try to provide - Your personal services to bake cakes, complete food without being there a few days ahead. Traveling 3,000 miles with 200 party favors is easier than the grooms cake.

The bride’s mother will select her dress and give you information on the colors chosen. Long, short, tea length or what the bride’s guidelines are.

You may be invited to several showers for the bride, but you do not have to bring gifts to all, nor attend, but send a card. It is very nice if you can go to at least one shower to meet friends and family.

You are responsible for out of town reservations for the groom’s side, planning the rehearsal dinner for a small number of guests -- usually 20-50. This can be simple or splendid. But again, it is designed with your son and bride’s wishes. You and your husband are considered the hosts and pay for this. It is important you attend the rehearsal to go over the outline for the ceremony.

Your escort down the aisle can be your son/groom or a dear friend and the husband walks directly behind as you go down the aisle. If divorced, he will have been seated ahead of you one or two aisles behind with his guest/family.

Often both mothers are asked to light candles prior to the ceremony.

If there is a reception line, you are requested to participate with the groom’s father in this line.