LOVE INSURANCE
by
Carol Purroy, M.A., C.H.T.

People often ask me, ?What is the most important thing in a marriage??
I answer, ?Respect.?
They usually counter with, ?Not love??
I say, ?Love is a given. Love is what gets the ball rolling. But without respect, love can?t last. Respect is Love Insurance.?

   You get married because you?re in love and plan to continue loving one another all your life. Marriage is the most intimate and most important relationship of your life. As you enter into it, you?re wildly in love. Your expectation is that you will always feel just as you do right now: you cannot get enough of each other, you want to be as close to each other as you can, you want to spend every moment together. You love everything about your spouse-to-be, every cell and atom of his/her being, every little idiosyncrasy. You adore the way s/he walks, talks, plays ball, pets the dog, kisses, caresses, etc. His/Her battles are your battles, his/her irritations and annoyances, yours. Your love is a veritable god -- or goddess. This is the first phase of love.
   As a couple lives together and are with each other day after day, they may start begin to get irritated at one another. They snap at each other and act as if they don?t even like each other -- some of the time, at least. You think it can?t happen to you, it won?t happen to you. 
   The reality of it is that, over time, you will be irritated or annoyed at things s/he does or doesn?t do; you may be less entranced with the way s/he walks, talks, plays ball, pets the dog; you may even be less enchanted with the lovemaking; you may care less about his/her battles, etc.
   Every couple has this settling-in period, during which you are getting used to being together, you are beginning to see each other as honest-to-goodness human beings, with all-too-human qualities,
rather than a god or goddess, too perfect for this world. That doesn?t mean the love goes away. It simply means that you?re into love?s second phase in which it can actually deepen and strengthen.
   Unfortunately, for some couples, it sometimes marks the beginning of the end of love. They wonder where the love went; they blame their mate for being less than perfect, never realizing that they, too, are less than perfect. They begin to pick at each other and put each other down. (Or maybe one of them picks at the other.) Illusion has turned into disillusion.
   The first phase of love, with its intensity, in which you believed you were the only two people on the planet, was necessary to get you two together. In the beginning, you do everything you can to blend together, to become one. The honeymoon, away from your family and friends, is mostly for the purpose of helping this process along.
   Picture your marriage as a house -- a building. This love -- this oneness -- is the foundation on which your marriage is built.
   The second phase of love is more subtle. It?s where you reconnect with yourselves as individuals, and with the world, both as a couple and as individuals. Within the oneness of marriage, you both begin to reclaim your selfhood, your individuality.
   The building blocks in your House of Marriage are the two individuals who make up your marriage.
You are the framing and the joists. You stand separate, yet joined. your uniquenesses, your char-acters, your personalities, your interests and passions, your intelligence, your wisdom, your playfulness, your seriousness, your potentials, your talents, your humor -- all the things you are.
   The stresses (the hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes) that will test the structure are your life experiences: the crises, the fun times, the touching times, the sad times: the difficult times and the wonderful times -- all the experiences that make up the lives of two people who care about each other -- the times that can tear you apart or bond you together.
   Respect is the glue. It is that which allows the structure to weather the storms, to withstand the life?s stresses. It?s your assurance that it will remain standing, no matter what may strike it. Respect is your ?home owner?s insurance.? Without it, the structure may fall down around you.
   Some people do continue living in a severely damaged house. It may even seem solid to the out-side world. In a marriage, when we treat one another with disrespect we chip away at the very foundation on which the marriage is built. And without a foundation, a structure will not stand for long . . . or if it does continue to stand, it will be crooked or damaged, making us feel very unsafe and uncomfortable.
   Love is a very fragile thing. If we were truly the gods and goddesses our lover once believed us to be, there would be no problem. We would be certain that we are loved and deserving of love. However, we are human, and as such, we are much less sure. When someone doesn?t pay us as much attention as she used to, picks at us, puts us down, or is otherwise abusive, we feel unloved, and begin to doubt our worthiness of love. When we feel unloved we feel less loving.
   It becomes a vicious circle. ?You?d rather surf the net than talk to me!? (making me wonder if you still love me), so I pick on you (making you feel that I don?t love you if only for that moment), then you, feeling unloved, feel less loving toward me, snap at me, very defensive and abrasive. Thus, the process of deterioration begins. Each time one of us says or does something disrespectful (unloving) toward the other, it chips away at our love for each other -- and our love is the foundation of our marriage.
   When we treat one another with respect (in a loving way), we strengthen the foundation while reinforcing the entire structure, making it a secure, comfortable, pleasant place in which to live.
   Perhaps we need to look at what respect and disrespect look like.
   Respect is (my definition): recognition of the worthiness of a person; acknowledgment of a person?s rights and privileges as a human being. Respect is courtesy, consideration, acceptance -- how we treat someone we honor and esteem.
   Disrespect is, of course, the exact opposite -- how we treat someone we dishonor and see as un-worthy. There are many forms of disrespect, which I will outline briefly.

• Discount: To act as if the other person had not spoken or has nothing important to say, as if the other person does not exist. To answer for the other person; to interrupt the other person when talking, to take over or ?fix? his/her tasks; to ignore, ridicule, mock, disregard.

• Disparage: To make the other person feel unimportant; to minimize, belittle, ridicule.

• Intimidate: To cause another to fear you; to threaten, terrorize, bully, browbeat.

• Criticize: To find fault with another; censure, blame, disapprove; to freely dispense ?shoulds? and ?should nots.?

• Control: To deny the other person the right to make (and act on) his/her own decisions and to live his/ her own life; to overpower, command/demand, sway, manipulate; to answer for the other person; to take over his/her tasks.

• Judge: To determine the rightness or wrongness of another?s actions. Censure, blame, disapprove, severely criticize, shame; to freely dispense ?shoulds? and should nots.?

• Denigrate: To slander or defame another; to dishonor another?s name or reputation; to belittle.

• Deceive: To lie, mislead, dupe or trick another person.

• Betray: To prove faithless to another; to seduce and desert; to dupe or ?con;? to defraud.

• Insult: To treat another with insolence or contempt; to disparage, abuse, offend, affront.

• Abuse: To verbally, emotionally or physically attack another; to damage another?s sense of safety and sense of self. Yelling, hitting, belittling, denigrating, swearing at a person.

   Sometimes disrespect is cloaked in humor. Put downs, ridicule, mockery, even horsing around or tickling ?til the other gets hurt (or begs for mercy), can be a form of disrespect. The problem with this is that when the disrespected person points out to the perpetrator that s/he feels disrespected by it, the response is likely to be, ?I was just teasing!? or ?Can?t you take a joke?? thereby looping the disrespect back around and victimizing the victim again.
   Sometimes, disrespect is simply an attitude, a tone of voice, a gesture or a glance that says, ?I?m more important than you are,? or ?Can?t you do anything right?? or ?You?re not worthy of my respect.?
   Sometimes, it is not taking a person seriously, not listening to him/her. For instance, when a person says ?No?, it?s disrespectful to continue pushing him/her to do or accept that which was in question.
   Oftentimes, people don?t realize they are doing any of these things. Especially in a marriage, because marriage is love-based. ?How could I disrespect you? I love you.? Sometimes the way men treat women or women treat men is a cultural thing; disrespect toward the opposite sex is built in. It?s unconscious, and would be vehemently denied. But it?s there. Just ask the person who had been disrespected.
   How does it feel to be disrespected? It feels very uncomfortable. It feels unsafe, threatening. And it hurts. It especially hurts when it comes from the one you love, the one you chose over all others to love forever, who vowed to love you forever. You feel diminished, ?less than.?
   What most disrespecters don?t know is that treating someone -- anyone -- disrespectfully diminishes themselves far more than it diminishes the recipient. The fact of the matter is, the disrespecter usually tears the other person down to build himself up, to make him/herself seem more important or smarter or better. Truth be told, it has exactly the opposite affect. In tearing someone else down, you are exposing yourself as the small, insecure, mean-spirited person you are.
   More to the point, disrespect is guaranteed to sabotage the very thing you want more than anything -- your happy marriage. It will ravage its very foundation, while the structure itself slowly disintegrates, as well.
   I am deliberately painting a dismal picture, but it is not an untrue one for couples who allow it to happen. However, it doesn?t have to. Successful marriages are those in which the couple treat each other with kindness, courtesy, caring and consideration -- that is say, respect.
   The ways in which people treat one another with both respect and disrespect are outlined in this article. This is a set of tools. Tools only work for you if you use them. If you have a set of wrenches, hammers, screwdrivers, etc., that just sit in your garage and never get used, they don?t do you any good. Take this gift I am giving you -- this set of tools -- and use it. It will make all the difference between a happy marriage and . . . . well, whatever the alternative is.
   Learn to recognize when you are treating your mate (or anyone else) with disrespect, and STOP!
   And whenever you feel that your mate (or anyone else) is treating you with disrespect, calmly and lovingly tell them what you are feeling. Be ready to realize that your partner truly may not be aware of treating you disrespectfully. But never allow your partner , or anyone else, to get away with treating you disrespectfully. Talk about it. Raise the level of consciousness regarding respect and disrespect within your relationship. Protect your marriage -- and your self-respect.
   What is self-respect? And why I am bringing it up in an article on marriage? Shouldn?t this be about how to treat each other? Yes. And without self-respect people often feel that they don?t deserve to be treated well by others. The more you allow others to treat you badly the less self-respect you have.
   You teach others how to treat you by how you allow them to treat you. You teach others how to treat you by respecting yourself enough to command their respect. It?s up to you to prevent disrespect toward you, or to stop it if it begins. You are not a victim. When you allow someone to treat you poorly you share the responsibility. If this should ever happen, or if it is a pattern in your relationships, get help immediately. No one is on this planet -- or in a marriage -- to be a human punching bag: verbally, emotionally or physically.
   Take responsibility for what you allow in your life. And if it is not what you want, change it.*
   Both you and your mate want the same thing -- a happy marriage. But a happy marriage doesn?t just happen; you have to make it happen. Let?s go back to the metaphor of the structure. Let?s call it ?The House of Marriage.? As with any house, once it?s built it must be maintained. You must be ever-vigilant for any threat: termites, erosion, high winds, hailstorms, etc., that would damage or destroy it. In addition, it?ll need an occasional paint job, plumbing and electrical repairs, and various other repairs. And you?ll probably want to enhance it with various upgrades, landscaping, maybe a fence and walk-way.
   So it is with your House of Marriage. You?ve built the foundation -- you?ve got love and oneness, and you?re planning a beautiful wedding. You?re building a structure on the foundation -- the two of you in all your uniqueness and wonderfulness. And you?ll bond through life experiences.
   Then what? Are you going to let that beautiful house just sit there? If you do, it will decay and disintegrate. Or are you going to maintain and enhance it? If so, it will grow in value, in beauty, in comfort and in security.
   You?ve got a huge investment in this House of Marriage: an emotional investment, a monetary investment, a time investment, an energy investment. Surely you?ll want to protect your investment. The best way to do that is to treat each other with respect, for it is the maintenance program and homeowner?s insurance on your House of Marriage.
   You cannot afford not to have it.

--end--

© 1999 Carol Purroy.
Carol Purroy, M.A., C.H.T. is a Life Planning Consultant in Santa Rosa, California.

*(There are some people who are incapable of treating others with respect. If you are involved (in any way) with one of them, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Run like the wind, and don?t look back!)