Fight Fair

FIGHT FAIR!
(Part I)

by
Carol Purroy, M.A., C.H.T.

One of the most important relationship tools is the ability to fight fair. Most of us, however, have very little experience with fair fighting, nor do we have very good role models in that area. Let?s face it, most people fight dirty. They go for the win, and if the opportunity is presented, they go in for the kill. Most of us learned how to fight relationship battles by example . . . from our parents and other relatives, guardians, and even the neighbors on the block.

Now, as you?re just beginning the most important relationship of your life, is the time to learn how to fight in such a way as to enhance rather than destroy your relationship. It is time to set your priorities. Which is more important, winning the battle or winning the war? To put it another way, which is more important, winning a particular fight or maintaining and growing the relationship?

If you decide that the relationship has top priority, you can learn techniques for fair fighting that will safeguard the relationship. Fighting fair does not necessarily mean you won?t win. It only means that lasting wounds will be minimized or eliminated.

When two people agree on everything, only one of them is necessary. (Anonymous)

It?s unrealistic to think that you?ll always be in perfect accord. Just imagine how boring it would be to spend a lifetime with somebody who always agreed with you. And just think how little you?d learn about things in general, and your spouse and your relationship, in particular.

It?s unrealistic to think that you?ll never step on each others? toes. But you don?t have to break them! Nor should your spouse be allowed to break yours. As you go through life, you?ll learn more and more about one another. Much of this learning will come about through unintentional discord. You?ll step on one another?s toes without meaning to, thereby learning something about your partner -- and yourself. You?ll do something that seems quite natural and rational to you only to discover that you?ve hurt your partner?s feelings or even insulted him/her. The same thing will happen in reverse.

You can discuss the incident or problem calmly and rationally. And/or you can fight about it . . . either fair or dirty fighting.

If you engage in calm discussion or a fair fight, it will present an opportunity for your relationship to grow and strengthen. If you fight dirty, the marriage . . . and your self esteem . . . will be endangered. If you fight dirty, there may be residual traces of that fight for the rest of your life, or for the rest of your marriage, whichever comes first.

Fair fighting is an art and a skill. As such, it can be learned. And, as with any skill or art, it requires practice to fine-tune it. And, as with any skill or art, there will be times, especially at first, when you don?t do it perfectly. That?s okay, as long as you don?t give up and throw in the towel. If you are willing to take the time and effort to practice until you are skillful at it, and then continue using it, the benefits you will reap will be well worth it. The major benefit will be a long-lasting, well-functioning marriage that continues to get better and better.

Pick your battles carefully. Let?s imagine that there is a limited amount of Fight Credits in a marriage. Imagine that on your wedding day each of you receives an account with a certain number of Fight Credits. The balance can never be added to, only drawn from. If you battle over every little thing, you?ll use up your Fight Credits on things that don?t really matter all that much, leaving an insufficient balance in your account for the important things. Remember, there?s only 100% of anything in life, including Fight Credits.

To put it another way, if you?re picking fights all the time, the emotional impact is used up before you get to the important one(s). When an issue that really matters emerges, your spouse is likely to shrug and say, ?Oh, there (s)he goes again. Big deal!? The impact will be significantly reduced just when you need it the most.

Pretend your Fight Credits are Dollars. For the sake of simplicity, let?s say you have $100 in your account. How are you going to spend it? Are you going to piddle it away on frivolous things, or are you going to save it for a rainy day?

You can use your Fight Credits in small or large increments -- expending and evoking small or large emotional impact. But when they?re gone, they?re gone. The U.S. divorce rate demonstrates what happens when they?re gone.

As you begin a fight you can consciously decide what percentage of your balance you are willing to spend on it, and don?t allow it to escalate beyond that. You and your spouse can even discuss this concept regarding the issue under discussion. Just how crucial is this issue to your happiness? Enough to spend 1/2%, or 25%?

Constant carping, criticizing and nagging use up Fight Credits, even if there?s no response from your partner, even if there?s no actual fight. Carping, criticizing and nagging are an attempt to pick a fight, so that counts!

Fight Credits can be stretched by spending them consciously, by picking your battles carefully, and by using the Fair Fighting Guidelines outlined below.

Some guidelines for fair fighting are as follows:

FIGHT FAIR! GUIDELINES

(PART I)

I. SET AN APPOINTMENT TO FIGHT

Never fight when you are really upset. Most people say and do things in the heat of a fight they don?t mean and are sorry for later. Remember, once something is said, it cannot be unsaid; once a deed is done, it cannot be undone. It can be apologized for, peace offerings can be made, amends can be attempted, but it?s there between you, maybe forever.

Set an appointment to fight. Practice saying, ?Can we set a time to talk about this? Maybe in half-an-hour? (After we get the kids to bed?, After we go jogging?) I?m too angry to talk about it now.?

Follow through. Agree upon a time; then, at the agreed-upon time, as uncomfortable as it is, discuss it. It?s not a good idea to wait ?til another day. Resolve it before you go to bed, this day.*

This takes practice, but it will pay off handsomely.

*The only exception: if you?re in Couple Counseling and agree to discuss it in the presence of your counselor within the next few days.

II. STICK TO THE SUBJECT

?Gunny-sacking? is a term that has entered the counseling lexicon in the past 20-or-so years. It refers to the practice of stuffing irritations, annoyances, grievances, etc. into a metaphorical gunny sack you drag around with you all the time. Then, in a fight, you reach into the sack, pull them out, and throw them into the fray. Or maybe you reach in for extraneous issues you?ve been saving for just such an opportunity. This is not fighting fair!

For instance (We?ll call this couple Katrina and Wallace):

?I don?t believe you! We agreed we?d use our tax refund to get a big-screen TV, but you spent it to go duck hunting with the guys!!! I am so angry!?

?Yeah, well, I?ve been really stressed at work and I need this.?

?Like I don?t get stressed?! I?d like to come home from work and relax in front of our big-screen TV! Boy, your mother really raised a great son! She taught you to be selfish and not to give a (____) about anyone else!?

?Yeah, well, YOURS is no prize! She looks like Charles Bronson on a bad day! And she brought you up to think you?re the Queen of Sheba, you?re so spoiled.?

?I?m so spoiled?! YOUR mother, GODZILLA, still butters your pancakes, for crying out loud! A grown man whose mother butters his pancakes! You are such a wus!?

Katrina and Wallace may never get around to discussing the issues: (1.) the expenditure of their tax refund, and (2.) honoring their agreements. They?ve allowed themselves to be drawn off their focus. The fight will only get worse and worse; they?ll find more and more ways to insult one another and one another?s relatives. Their relationship will be seriously damaged by it, and nothing will be resolved.

On the other hand, it could have gone something like this:

(We?ll assume Katrina and Wallace set an appointment to discuss it later, and this is the delayed discussion.)

?We agreed that we?d use our tax refund to get a big-screen TV, but you spent it to go duck hunting with the guys.?

?You know, I?ve been really stressed at work and I needed this.

?That?s not the issue. We had an agreement that was not honored. When you disregard our agreements I feel disregarded; I feel hurt because it seems like you?re only thinking of yourself and don?t care about me.?

?You?re right, we did have an agreement and I did disregard it. I can see how you would feel that way.?

?Why didn?t you talk to me about it if you wanted to break our agreement??

?I guess I was afraid you wouldn?t let me go duck hunting.?

?To be honest, I don?t know if I would have or not. The point is, we had an agreement, and you didn?t honor it. And I?m hurt by it.

The issue is still unresolved, but Katrina and Wallace are well on their way to a resolution. They have stuck to the subject. They have talked about their feelings. They have not insulted each other and damaged their relationship beyond what the initial affront (or imagined affront) did. They have not ?gunny-sacked? each other by throwing in unrelated issues. Now they can talk about how to solve the problem, both in this particular instance and in avoiding similar situations in the future.

III. USE ?I? MESSAGES

In the above example, Katrina used an easy-to-follow fair fighting script I have been teaching couples for many years. (I don?t remember where I got it, so I apologize to its author for not giving proper credit.) It goes like this:

When you _______________________________ (whatever your spouse did)

I feel ___________________________________,(the emotion evoked by it)

Because _______________________________ . (why you feel that way)*

You?ll notice that Katrina did not attack Wallace or accuse him of anything. Hers was a simple statement of fact. The ?I-message? is ?I feel _____?

There is no ?You-message.? There is no ?You disregarded me!? There is no name-calling, ?You are a wus!? Katrina is claiming her feelings; she is owning them. She is not saying ?You hurt me.? She?s saying, ?I feel hurt.?

This is a simple thing, but the difference between an ?I-message? and a ?You-message? can make all the difference in the world. An ?I-message? doesn?t put your spouse on the defensive. An ?I-message? doesn?t back him (her) into a corner. An ?I-message? doesn?t exacerbate the problem. An ?I-message? simply allows you to get on with finding and implementing a resolution.

Please copy this little script and hang it on your refrigerator (or wherever it?ll do the most good) to refer to until it has become part of your ?Marriage Tool Kit.?

* Note: Over many years as a counselor, I?ve noticed that the Because-statement is always a form of ?I?m afraid you don?t love me.? The fear that ?You don?t love me anymore,? is at the root of all marital fights.

IV. LET YOUR SPOUSE KNOW

I spoke earlier about stepping on each others? (emotional) toes. It is often unintentional and unknowing. Yet, if repeated over and over, it can cause big problems in a marriage. It?s up to you to let your spouse know when (s)he has done something that hurts you. The only way (s)he can know it has happened is for you to tell her (him).

Some couples agree on a signal -- it can be something as simple as, ?Ouch, you just stepped on my toes.? This is a statement of fact, not an attack or accusation. The partner can then seek to determine the degree of damage: ?Is that a big ouch or a little ouch?? Then a discussion can take place on the how and why of it, and how to avoid it in the future. You may want to agree upon such a signal very early on -- prior to needing it. It?s good to be prepared, just in case.

If done right, this doesn?t use up your Fight Credits. It?s the ounce of prevention that saves a pound of cure. It allows you to avoid using them throughout all the years of your marriage -- a real bonus!

To Be Continued. Watch for FIGHT FAIR! Part II, on www.weddinglinks.com
©1999 Carol Purroy, M.A., C.H.T.
Carol Purroy is a Life Planning Consultant in Santa Rosa, California.
cpurroy@beautiful-events.com