Family Relationship Building After the Wedding

Family RELATIONSHIP BUILDING After The Wedding
Special Ideas for Newlyweds With Children
by Judith Rivers-Moore, www.WeddingLinks.com

After the wedding, the most important thing is to put your marital relationship first as the priority and to stand together regarding rules of the household and rules with the combined family. If old enough, sit down and discuss the decisions you reach with the children. Each child should be deciplined by its individual parent. It is very un-settling to the child otherwise and makes an enemy of the new parent. It is always easy to see what type of job the other parent is doing and not look closely at ones-self.

In each of the following situations this may be easier said than done.

· All the kids live with you,

· Your kids live with you while your spouse's kids only visit,

· Your spouse's kids live with you while your kids only visit, or

· you have split custody with the other biological parents,

· The other biological parent(s) is/are single

· The other biological parent(s) is/are married. In the latter, most severe situation, your kids would have up to 6 adults with different ideas regarding child rearing and discipline, telling them what to do PLUS grandparents.

POTENTIAL SITUATIONS

· Their transitions to/from different households with different house rules?

· If there was a divorce, the possibility that the "other parent" incites the kids against you and/or your spouse.

· If there was death, kids' anger at the parent who "left them" and anger at "that Person" who "tries to take the place of / replace" the deceased parent.

· Being unable or unwilling to compete with the "other parent" for affection, by lavishing the kids with gifts and "whatever they want" and "whatever they do is ok".

THE STABLE HOME

Kids do not need “things” to know they are loved and wanted. Kids need a stable nurturing home where both parents work together as a parenting team and support each other's decisions especially regarding home rules, traditions and rituals. The main issue for your family is to have both of you establish your household rules, traditions and rituals. Do so together and in agreement and include the kids, especially older kids in forming them.

Have a family meetings. Allowing kids to contribute will make it easier to enforce household rules, chores, traditions and rituals without the danger of being seen by the kids as demanding, tough or unreasonable. Don't let your rules, traditions and rituals waiver, stand together and support each other in implementing them. However, remember that as children get older and situations change, rituals and traditions may need to be adjusted.

DECIPLINE
When actual discipline is needed it should first come from the child's own parent and not from the stepparent, though the stepparent needs to back up their spouse, thus establishing for the children a parental and family cohesiveness. Your children need to see and experience the strength of your marital relationship, your commitment to each other and to them, and the strength and stability of your family. They need to regain the security of being loved and wanted. Security they lost when their biological parents divorced or in a case of a parent's death when that parent "left them".

When you re-marry you have high hopes and often see everything through rose-colored glasses. The truth is that your second marriage especially when either one or both of you have children, is much more challenging than the first. As a new family, you go through phases. They are:

HONEYMOON’S OVER

At first, you will experience "the honeymoon phase". This is when everyone is on their best behavior, excited, happy, giddy, maybe even showing off for one another. Then comes the second phase, the "honeymoon is over phase". This is when reality sets in and members of the blended family begin to realize that they don't like something about this one or are jealous of that one or are uncomfortable with… and on and on. Be prepared for the "honeymoon is over" phase and expect hurt feelings, acting out behaviors, tears, and anger.

Now, you are in a stepfamily, struggling for some sense of family identity. Don't despair. It is a normal progression when two families blend into one. Realize that it takes time, patience, understanding, respect and a lot of love to instill a family cohesiveness and bring up self-assured, secure children. Give the kids all you have got. Make it a priority to always be involved in every child's life and be there for him or her.

If you can spare the time, volunteer to help in the kids classes and always make time to be their for school, sports, and other activities the kids participate in. Your involvement and the involvement of all kids in their siblings' life will eventually bring bonding and closeness. The results will be rewarding and you'll soon forget the difficult times.

It is very important that you let the children know right from the start that respect for both parents and all siblings is paramount. Having achieved this, you start your family blending on the right foot. As you strive for a united family, set scheduled time for family togetherness. Whether you call it family night, family meeting, family chat, be sure that everyone is present and that everyone shares their experiences, and what is going on in their life inside and outside the home. Let everyone talk about what is on his or her minds and how they feel, without being judged or reprimanded.

COMMUNICATION LINES

Keep it real simple and age appropriate but do establish open communications and let the kids know how you feel as well. Reassure the children, that this is what a family is and that in your family everyone does things for the others. Let them know that they are loved and that you care for them. Instill in them the realization that all you want is for them to grow up in a happy home and feel good about themselves and their family. Before long, the kids will look forward to this time together as it becomes part of your established blended family ritual.

PRIVACY

As important as family time is, make it clear that any child can come to you on a one on one whenever they feel the need or want to discuss or tell things in private. Bear in mind that children have a past. They also have feelings. If these feelings are stifled, children may feel that they are being forced into a "new" family to replace their "old" family. This in turn will bring forth resentment, anger, frustration and hurt. Therefore, it is important that the children understand that they are allowed to hang onto the memories of their previous family, remember them with joy, feel happy about those times that came before or sad that they are no more, and know that it is "OK" to recall, remember and even share them aloud with each other. Through this sharing, and as they get older, they will begin to understand and realize that in the "new " family they are building new relationships and creating new memories, not replacing those they already have. Let each child, if age and ability appropriate, an opportunity to contribute to the family. Give each child tasks and responsibilities. They may resent it at the moment but thank you as they reach adulthood.

CREATE FUN TIMES AS A NEW FAMILY

So far all seems too serious. It is! But family life is not all seriousness! Make time for fun, and do so often. Children need individual attention. Give each child your undivided attention as individuals.

Just you and that child. Get to know each child yours and your spouse's. Give each child opportunities to get to know you as an individual who laughs, shares stories and wants to know more about them as individuals. With all that, do no ignore your spouse. It is just as important, that you make sure you set aside time for each other, to foster your love and marital relationship. Just as important, you keep DATE NIGHTS for the two of you or with adult friends.