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CULTURAL DIFFERENCES by
No matter how well you think you know your wife-(or husband)-to-be, there are surprises in store. . . plenty of ‘em . . . because you’re marrying someone from a different culture. Even if you and your spouse are of the same ethnic group, grew up next door to each other, went to the same school, and attended the same church, your two families were different; each household had its own culture. We usually think of cross-cultural marriages as those of two people from different countries or even different races. However, every marriage is cross-cultural. Within each household, each family had its own way of doing things. And because culture goes very deep, chances are, they never even questioned it. That’s just the way things were, so that’s the way they should be. We often don’t even know we have certain expectations until those expectations are not met. And then, pardon the expression, all hell breaks loose. It usually becomes a matter of, “My way is right, yours is wrong . . . my way is reasonable, yours is unreasonable . . . my way is good, yours is bad.” Cultural differences. Here are some examples from my practice as a Life Planning Consultant (the names are changed): Sol’s family was fairly traditional (i.e., patriarchal, macho). His dad was the boss, and his mom pretty much acquiesced, at least when Dad was around. Marsha’s family, on the other hand, was a matriarchy. Her father had died when she was a child and her mother had had to be both mother and father. She’d had to make all the decisions, be the disciplinarian; she’d attended Father-Daughter dinners, the whole bit. At Marsha’s wedding, her mother walked her down the aisle and “gave her away.” Marsha also had strong, forceful aunts and grandmothers. As is usual, neither family’s power structure was ever announced; it was not even thought out. It was just the way things were. Now, Sol and Marsha were both intelligent, educated, modern young people. Before marrying, they discussed all sorts of things, including how decisions would be made in their family. They had it all figured out. They would be equal partners and make decisions together. Yet, when they got into their marriage and had their first small crisis, both reverted to their familiar familial pattern. Sol went ahead and made the decision. His unconscious expectation was that Marsha would defer to him. Marsha was outraged and wondered where he got off, taking over like that and being “Mr. Macho.” She wasn’t consulted and felt disregarded and discounted. So, the next time, she made the decision without consulting him . . . and he felt emasculated and diminished. They were headed for trouble. It became about getting even, and, “I’ll show you!” Cultural differences. This pattern continued until they realized what was happening and determined that they needed help in implementing a power structure both could live with. Because they truly loved one another and wanted their marriage to succeed, they worked through it and now have a more egalitarian power structure within their marriage, which works for them. Sam grew up in a household in which his parents screamed and yelled at each other in alcoholic rage while he and his younger brother cowered in terror. Of course, they not permitted to express their opinion or to defend themselves, each other, or either parent. Clarisse grew up in a household in which impassioned, opinionated debate about all sorts of issues was commonplace. Although conversations were often loud and emphatic, they were not angry. It was argument for the sake of discussion, an exercise in mental acuity and communication skills. It was good fun for everyone, including the children, whose participation was expected and encouraged. Sam and Clarisse got married. When Clarisse expressed herself emphatically and allowed her voice to raise a decibel or two, Sam mistook it for anger. In his experience, when someone’s voice raised, it meant anger and abuse. Clarisse was mystified and upset that Sam refused to enter into a friendly discussion with her, as members of her family would. According to her experience, she wasn’t yelling, she was just talking . . . fervently. So far as he was concerned, she was yelling at him. It brought back the image of his parents screaming at each other . . . and at him. To “protect” himself from the abuse he “knew” was coming, he would strike the first (verbal) blow. At this point, to “protect” herself from his abuse, she did yell at him, and was now quite angry, herself. The battle was on Each, of course, believed it was the other’s fault. “If you hadn’t yelled at me . . . ” “I didn’t yell at you! I was just talking to you! How come you always think I’m yelling at you!” And so on . . . Cultural differences. It took them awhile to sort all this out, but they finally did. Clarisse learned to modulate her voice somewhat when expressing herself intensely . . . most of the time. And Sam learned that a raised voice doesn’t necessarily mean anger. Occasionally, his old fears do surface, but he can usually reason with himself and calm them down. Now that Sam and Clarisse have a better understanding of each other’s family background, this particular issue is no longer much of a problem. Tricia and Tom had very different ideas about punctuality. Tricia always wanted to arrive early (like, 30 minutes early), while Tom was much more laid-back. He, in fact, refused to arrive early to social events, ascribing, rather, to the practice of being “sociably late.” Whenever they went out together, Tricia would be ready, pacing like a stressed-out lioness, checking her watch and sighing loudly or making acrid remarks, at least 45 minutes before Tom was ready (willing) to leave. They drove each other crazy. Cultural differences. When they’d been married a few years, they traveled from California to the East Coast where Tricia’s family lived, to celebrate her godparents’ 50th anniversary celebration. The party was to start at 6 p.m. By Noon on the day of the party, Tricia’s parents were all dressed and ready to go. By 4 p.m. they were pacing like nervous lions. By 5 p.m., they decided they’d waited long enough, and left for the party. They were there, ready to party, 40 minutes before its scheduled start. All of a sudden, Tom had a much better understanding of Tricia’s peculiar behavior. He still wasn’t willing to show up at a party ahead of schedule, but he was much more tolerant, and agreed to be less late. And Tricia, having had an opportunity to observe her family, after many years’ absence,, was suddenly aware of just how unusual their behavior was. She was able to see how her habits regarding punctuality were formed. She pointed out to Tom what a long way she had come. She only got dressed one hour ahead of schedule instead of six, as the rest of her family did! She learned to relax and time her departure time closer to Tom’s. They both developed the ability to laugh about it. The above stories are just the very tip-top of the iceberg, but you get the idea. Human beings are wonderfully complex, and marriage between any two of these marvelously complex beings is a challenge. If possible, observe each other’s families to discover the basis of your spouse’s attitudes and behaviors, quirks and idiosyncracys. And while you’re at it, look closely at your own family. Remember, there’s no right or wrong, no blame or shame. Chances are, there was once a very good reason for everything they do. However, circumstances may have changed, and, now, as you are establishing your own household, it may be time to consider the way things are done. Do they still make sense or are they outmoded? Is it a case in which they served your parents, or grandparents, but won’t serve you? There’s an old story about the young girl who was watching her mother prepare dinner. Mom took the roast out of the butcher paper and, before setting it in the pan, cut the end off. She then placed the roast in the pan, set the smaller piece alongside, and put it in the oven. The girl asked why she’d done that. Mom answered, “That’s how you cook a roast.” “Why? It doesn’t make sense.’ Mom shrugged and answered, “That’s how my mother always did it.” The girl persisted. “But why?” “I don’t know, but there must be a reason. Let’s go ask Grandma.” They went to Grandma’s house and asked why she’d always cut the end off the roast before putting it in the oven. She said, “Because I didn’t have a pan big enough for the whole thing.” People have always done what was necessary to adapt to their particular situation, era, and environment. You don’t get any gold stars for digging in your heels and declaring, “That’s how it’s always been, so that’s how it is going to be!” What’s right for one environment may not work for another. For instance, the family who moves from Hawaii to Alaska and insists on continuing to dress in shorts, T-shirts and Zoris because “That’s how we’ve always done it,” probably won’t survive. In your marriage you are moving into a new environment. The ways of being and thinking and behaving which may have been quite appropriate in your old environment, may not be in your new one. The two of you are creating a culture of your own. Create it consciously, so that it works to the best advantage of each of you (and your children, if any), thereby ensuring the survival of the marriage (i.e., the family). It goes without saying that if the culture you create doesn’t work for everyone in it, the marriage (and family) is in jeopardy. A culture is a work in progress, always changing, always adapting, always growing. A culture consists of people . . . the people who create it . . . and reinforce it or change it. The great strength of your parents (and other ancestors) was not that they did a particular thing a particular way. It was that they created a culture that worked for them in their time and place. So, take their strength and their wisdom, if not their specific solutions (which may have been peculiar to that time and place, after all), and create your own culture, appropriate to your time and place. Make the culture in your household the most wonderful it can possibly be. --end--
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